Author Topic: Joke thread  (Read 75598 times)

Mooko

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #30 on: August 08, 2010, 01:11:11 AM »
An American and a Brit are in a bar and the American proudly says "We have Barack Obama, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash! The Brit replies "We have David Cameron, no wonder, no hope and no cash.

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #31 on: August 09, 2010, 06:53:51 PM »
In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to  touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. 

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?   ;
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN..........................
 

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #32 on: August 09, 2010, 06:54:35 PM »
Over in the U.K. , a very pretty young speech therapist
was getting nowhere with her
“Stammerers Action Group”.
 She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
 So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

“That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said

"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #33 on: August 09, 2010, 06:55:38 PM »
Epiphany

A  Jewish mother walks her son to
the school bus corner on his first
day of kindergarten.

"Behave, my Bubaleh.  Take good
care of yourself, and think about
your mother, Tataleh!  Come right
back home, Schein Kindaleh.  Your
Mommy loves you, my Ketsaleh!"

At the end of the day, she runs to
her son and hugs him.  "So what
did my Pupaleh learn on his first
day of school?"

The boy replies, "I learned that my
name is Jerry."

Chewie

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #34 on: August 09, 2010, 06:58:25 PM »
^^ PMSL..

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #35 on: August 09, 2010, 09:45:04 PM »



Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #36 on: August 09, 2010, 09:45:37 PM »

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #37 on: August 09, 2010, 09:47:21 PM »
When I grow up, i'm going to be...............








Chewie

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #38 on: August 12, 2010, 06:26:47 PM »
Obama dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.
He is very excited; all his life he's had a secret wish and longed to
meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack
meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a
ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the
ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where
he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again,
he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?
'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.'
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man! Obama can hardly contain his delight
and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room
where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: 'Are you
Mohammed?...'he gasps, as by now he is totally out of breath from all his
climbing.
'No, my son.... I am Almighty God. But you look exhausted. Would you
like a cup of coffee?'
'Yes! please, my Lord'
God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey Mohammed two
coffees!'
Keep your trust in God;
Your government has failed you miserably.

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #39 on: August 13, 2010, 11:43:30 AM »
Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are like that, you know.

If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

 
 
 
 
 
 

Natural Mystic

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #40 on: August 13, 2010, 12:28:04 PM »
Obama dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.
He is very excited; all his life he's had a secret wish and longed to
meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack
meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a
ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the
ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where
he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?
'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again,
he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?
'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.'
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man! Obama can hardly contain his delight
and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room
where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: 'Are you
Mohammed?...'he gasps, as by now he is totally out of breath from all his
climbing.
'No, my son.... I am Almighty God. But you look exhausted. Would you
like a cup of coffee?'
'Yes! please, my Lord'
God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey Mohammed two
coffees!'
Keep your trust in God;
Your government has failed you miserably.
;D

Chewie

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #41 on: August 14, 2010, 11:15:58 PM »
someone posted this on facebook-

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski-mask jumped into the path of a well dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money, he demanded". Indignant, the affluent man replied "You can't do this- I am a member of Parliament". "in that case" replied the mugger, "give me MY money!".


tickled me.

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #42 on: August 16, 2010, 01:04:33 PM »
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
 
"£10. A pill," Answered the son.
 
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money
 under the pillow."
 
Later the next morning, the son found £110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said,
"I told you each pill was £10, not £110.
 
"I know," said Grandpa. "The Hundred is from Grandma!"

Chewie

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #43 on: August 16, 2010, 02:03:08 PM »
Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball....

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely
s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .


I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily
have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.


What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied,
"No way. You got yourself into this  mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.

Natural Mystic

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #44 on: August 16, 2010, 07:02:28 PM »
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
 
"£10. A pill," Answered the son.
 
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money
 under the pillow."
 
Later the next morning, the son found £110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said,
"I told you each pill was £10, not £110.
 
"I know," said Grandpa. "The Hundred is from Grandma!"

 ;D