Author Topic: Joke thread  (Read 75597 times)

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #15 on: July 31, 2010, 07:26:23 PM »
 A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end
 her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.

 She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing
 water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the
 pier, crying.

 He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
 off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
 ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

 Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll
 keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

 The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a
 fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.

 That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

 From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
 of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

 Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
 the captain... "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

 "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get
 food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

 "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."

 

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #16 on: July 31, 2010, 10:48:10 PM »
The Queen is on a hospital visit.....she get to the first ward, gets half way down the ward and sees a man lying on his bed masturbating......my goodness, she says...thats terrible...whatevers wrong with him??...the doctor replies..he has too much sperm and has to do that 5 times a day for the good of his health............the Queen walks on....at the bottom of the ward she spies a nurse giving a man a blow job.......my goodness, she exclaims again...thats obscene...whats wrong with him????...the doctor replies....oh, he suffers from the same as the guy back there, only he's with bupa.............

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #17 on: July 31, 2010, 10:54:35 PM »
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

The dad matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the! he boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....."

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #18 on: July 31, 2010, 11:10:17 PM »
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in yourhome by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the realthing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements,tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleedfor a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end ofyour cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of yourcar before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important firstdate. All he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles ofwashing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #19 on: July 31, 2010, 11:15:41 PM »
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a piece of rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the fuck up."


Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #20 on: July 31, 2010, 11:21:38 PM »
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth," says the dwarf, "Can I Thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyeth," says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth." he says. "Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and Shoves his head deep inside the horse's lady's bits.
He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"

muf 99%

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #21 on: August 01, 2010, 01:35:21 AM »
Lol at this whole page ;D though not at the thought of the government taxing us for having a poo  >:(

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #22 on: August 01, 2010, 01:42:34 AM »
Lol at this whole page ;D though not at the thought of the government taxing us for having a poo  >:(

My dad used to say, they would if they could. :)

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #23 on: August 02, 2010, 10:34:20 AM »
Childbirth at 65
 
 
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!

oake

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #24 on: August 02, 2010, 11:55:07 PM »
An elderly man and his wife went to the doctor for their annual check-up.

The doctor tells the man "I need a semen sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample."

The old man turned to his wife and asked her what the doctor had said.

She replied, "Just give him your underpants."

Titus

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #25 on: August 02, 2010, 11:58:57 PM »
I remember it well. I was about 14 when this girl came up and kissed me. I was so scared, I ran away.
It was my first French kiss.

Titus

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #26 on: August 03, 2010, 12:00:12 AM »
I don't know why I just bought some new coconut shampoo...

I haven't even got any coconuts.

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #27 on: August 03, 2010, 09:38:20 AM »
Philosophical Questions

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self-help section?” she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…..
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have “s” n it?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

trollspeil

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #28 on: August 04, 2010, 11:33:54 PM »
Iron Man is a superhero

"Iron Woman" is an order.

trollspeil

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #29 on: August 06, 2010, 11:50:25 PM »
American, English and Australian scientists all conducted studies to find out why the head of a penis is thicker than the shaft. After much deliberation, the American scientist concluded that it's thicker to give the man more pleasure during sex. The English scientist concluded that it's thicker to give the woman more pleasure during sex. The Australian scientist concluded that the head is thicker in order to stop the man's hand flying off and hitting him in the face.