Author Topic: Joke thread  (Read 70369 times)

Chewie

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Joke thread
« on: July 30, 2010, 07:10:26 PM »
Post 'em here folks.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Terrorist !

Terrorist Who?

Tick tock, tick tock, tick

muf 99%

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2010, 08:50:44 PM »
They've all gone!! All of 'em!! :o
........And the smileys too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2010, 12:46:10 AM »
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied:  'Your Horse phoned!!! '



Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2010, 12:48:29 AM »
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' 
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: '
I like your sense of humour!'

*********************************************************************
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.' 
Wife:  'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?' 

*****************************************************************************
Wife :       'Do you want dinner?' 
Husband:      'Sure! What are my choices?' 
Wife:         'Yes or no.'

*****************************************************************************
Wife:         'What are you doing?' 
Husband:     Nothing.
Wife:         'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband:     'I was looking for the expiry date.' 

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2010, 12:49:19 AM »
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.  COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY   BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGANPARK HIGH SCHOOL .

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED , "IN 1967. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!", I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-B*TCH ASKED:  "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
 

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2010, 12:50:53 AM »
Woman's Poem

©Unknown

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the shit out of him....

Like his mother used to do.
******************************************
I love a good poem, don't you?!?

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2010, 12:54:27 AM »
Yiddish Proverbs

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks .

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.

One old friend is better than two new ones.

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. 
 
A wise man hears one word and understands two.

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great." 

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #7 on: July 31, 2010, 12:56:28 AM »
Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.
 
Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut - so the teacher asked him 'Tim what does your father do for a job'
 
"My dad dances in a gay club and takes of his clothes for the men.
If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and sleep with them."
 
The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.
>   
>
>
'No' said Tim "He plays for England , but I was too embarrassed to say " .

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #8 on: July 31, 2010, 12:57:35 AM »
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Ed had carved “I love you, Cindy.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Cindy quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Ed said, “We’ve got to give it back..” Cindy said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Cindy said, “No”. Ed said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Cindy said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”

The agents turned to Ed and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Ed said, “Well, when Cindy and I were walking home from school yesterday ....” The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

muf 99%

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #9 on: July 31, 2010, 01:00:39 AM »
'No' said Tim "He plays for England , but I was too embarrassed to say " .
;D
 Pmsl

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #10 on: July 31, 2010, 01:07:03 AM »
Ever wondered what they did with all those school photos you had to sit for each term?
Well, I couldn't believe it - this Website is absolutely brilliant.
They actually have photographs of almost every school in the World, dating back to the year dot!
Unless you went to school when cameras weren't invented, then you will probably be able to find a photo of yourself - or at least your classmates.
Click on the link below or type it into your search line.
You have to enter the name of your school and Year that you were there.
Check it out.....

http://www.worldschoolphotographs.com/wsp/index1.htm

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #11 on: July 31, 2010, 01:08:33 AM »
An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
 
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said..

On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

                               All Seniors Aren't Senile

 
   


Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #12 on: July 31, 2010, 01:14:54 AM »
The Queen's Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question.

"Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..."

He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #13 on: July 31, 2010, 11:02:44 AM »
When to quit

                     

A guy from ...... name and identity  protected with a 25-inch Dick went to a doctor and said, 'I can't live with this anymore! It's too long.'

The doctor replied, 'I can't do anything for you, but if you see the doctor in the bayou, she can help you.' So, he went to the bayou and saw the doctor.

The doctor said, 'Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there. Ask her to marry you..she'll say 'No'.. and you'll lose 5 inches off your  Dick'

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,'Will you marry me?'

"No!', she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!

The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, 'Will you marry me?

The frog said,'No!'And the guy lost another 5 inches.

He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect. So he asked again, 'Will you marry me?'

And the frog said, 'How many time do I have to tell you . .. NO! NO! NO!'



Liz

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Re: Joke thread
« Reply #14 on: July 31, 2010, 06:56:04 PM »
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."